(Warning: Grey’s Anatomy spoilers)
If you’ve been following me here on Medium or on Twitter you likely already know that I lost my husband…16 months ago now. I have moved on. I have two partners that care for me and that I care for. I have a new house, a new dog, a new career.
All that “stuff” buries the sadness, though. It never really goes away.
Mostly, I am ok. I go about my life, doing things, involved with my “stuff”. But then sometimes, I slow down, and something comes along and sweeps the “stuff” aside and there it is — that sadness.
Yesterday, I wasn’t expecting it. JY had been here for the night. We had a good time. Good conversation, good sex, good company. I do love my time with him. It was good.
He left in the morning to get back to work by early afternoon and I figured I would just relax, watch some Grey’s Anatomy, and then get to work later in the day.
I knew it was coming. I knew Derek was dying. I knew that episode was just around the corner. I should have skipped it. But I didn’t. Because I didn’t realize how it was going to affect me.
And before I knew it, Derek was there on the table and Meredith was there and they were getting ready to turn everything off. They turned off the machines and were getting ready to take the tube out of his mouth and Meredith asked the nurse to stop. She called him. “Derek.” And then she was crying and telling him it was ok to go and that they would be fine.
It was almost exactly how it went when my husband was unplugged from the machines. It killed me inside to tell them it was ok to unplug him and let him go. Like Meredith, I hadn’t even had a chance to tell him goodbye, to tell him I loved him. To tell him how much he would be missed. Like Meredith, I didn’t want to let him go. I wasn’t ready. But there was no reason to hang on. He was going already.
I held his hand and played a Bruce Springsteen song and cried. His sister was there with me. But I felt more alone than I ever had in my life before. Because he was the one person — he was my person. He was my life. Literally. I had no one else that I was as close to as I was him.
Watching that Grey’s Anatomy scene…it broke me.
Usually, I can have a day, cry off and on, eat food that makes me feel comfortable, and then the next day I can pick myself up and get myself together. But today…nothing is changed. I got up early, made coffee, let my dog out, and went back to bed. It’s taken a lot just to get off the couch today and get to the computer in the hopes that I might do something productive.
My files that I need to work on are open, but I haven’t opened them yet. I don’t know if I can do anything today.
I know that people have forgotten that I lost a part of me 16 months ago. Because I don’t show it. I don’t show my sadness every day or even once in a while. But the sadness never goes away. It’s always there.
Some things just bring it to the surface and then take up residence in my heart. A TV show or movie, something someone says, a Facebook memory, Princess (his cat), a song.
Even when one of my partners does something that remind me of him it makes me sad and makes me wonder what the hell I am doing moving on to other people. And then I feel like I am not doing right by them when I have so much love for him still. And when I know that I would give up everything that I have to have him back in my life again.
I don’t know how to move on from this.
Be talking through the night, you laying by my side
You were always there to heal my scars
And into the dawn I do my best to try and find some sleep
But you still keep me up
We used to hold hands, now I dance alone
We had Springsteen playing so loud
We danced in the dark ’til it felt like home
With you, home was anywhere.
~Used to Love/Martin Garixx