I Was Worried My ADHD Was All in My Head

Photo by Robina Weermeijer on Unsplash

Around 4 or 5 years ago, I read something about adult ADHD. Or watched a video. Or maybe I was doing both at the same time. You know.

And what I read and/or watch resonated with me. I started thinking…do I have ADHD?

I’d always had a really low opinion of myself. I made goals that would never get met. As I writer I have more outlined story ideas than I have written stories. And you’ve seen my fiction stories here. I have a lot of them.

My house was a disaster area (like you don’t even want to know how bad it was or how bad it can still get…I’m not even going to tell you about that room in the basement that NO ONE is allowed to go in. If you watch Friends and remember Monica’s closet…well, it’s like that, but a room. Ok. There’s two of them).

When my kids were growing up the laundry would pile up for way too long. To the point we ran out of clean clothes. And my kids had a lot of clothes.

Hell, when I was a kid my room was a mess. There are pictures, I think.

I make stupid job mistakes. I don’t know how I manage not to get fired. I’ve actually quit writing jobs because I knew that I was making too many mistakes and I was going to get fired.

I could go on. But if you have ADHD, you know.

If you don’t have ADHD, you might think, “We all do that sometimes.” But it doesn’t take over your life. It is a sometimes thing. For me, it is every day and it has impacted my life and my self-worth.

LOSER

SPAZ

UNMOTIVATED

LAZY

HOPELESS

These are just some of the words I’ve used to describe myself. In my head. I act like I’m all self-confident and proud of my accomplishments but the truth is, I’ve beat myself up more times than I can count for all the things I haven’t done and couldn’t do.

I was scared to go and get assessed because…well, what if I didn’t have ADHD? That would mean all those things were TRUE! And I didn’t want to deal with that.

But, after four or five years of suspecting that I probably had ADHD but being afraid to find out, I talked to my doctor. At 51 years of age. And he gave me a referral.

Yesterday, it was confirmed. I really do have ADHD.

There’s a huge amount of relief associated with that. I was right! It’s not all in my head. I’m not crazy. I’m not a hypochondriac.

And I’m not any of those things I called myself.

Now there’s a reason why, when I write a 200 word social media post (that is mostly copied and pasted), I make stupid mistakes. There’s a reason why my brain spins uncontrollably at times. There’s a reason why I stop taking my diabetes medications and supplements for weeks at a time.

There are reasons for all of it.

While it is a relief to know that I was right and that there are reasons for all my behaviors, it’s also scary as shit.

I have to make a decision…meds or no meds. I know there are advantages. So, I’m not ruling it out. I know it also doesn’t fix everything.

I still need to create some better habits. I need to do this whether I use meds or not.

Honestly, at 51 this is terrifying and hopeful at the same time. But I have the support of some good people. That’s all that matter.

My brain isn’t broken. I’m not broken. I’m just different.

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